Since we're all freakin' a little over the economy, I've got a great gift idea that is beautiful, personal, and cheaper than you might think. Back when me and The Mister of the House were newlyweds, we went nuts on this little hobby together. It's a good hobby if

• you have a room you can close off from little ones
• or a heated garage space
• a little spare time

Start with an old piece of furniture or go to the nearest thrift store and find something with "good bones". For his first project, The Mister of the House started with a side-table he found for $15 at the thrift store. We bought a few squares of tile (or even got some that were already broken for free) and made a mosaic top. This table was fitted with its custom top over a weekend.

How pretty is that? After the mosaic top, it was re-varnished a dark brown.

This is also one of The Mister's. We both have a fond attachment to the ocean, particularly the pacific northwest. What is it about rocks meeting ocean that is so powerful? This table has more Victorian curves to it, and so I think it will look great in our future beach house.

What honey? Yes a beach house! You can do it, you're already working overtime right?

This is the only one of Mrs. Olsen's that still around. I love the shape of this side-table, it has wings. I'm trying to love the dark forest green that I painted it, since I scraped and sanded about eight layers of paint to find the grains again.

Aside from the annoying refinishing of the wood, the mosaic top was finished over a weekend. I had a cheap little tile-cutter that helped me with the square pieces. Of course that is totally optional. If I wanted it to have more detail, I would have needed to work with much smaller pieces. Of course, that makes the project that much longer if time is an issue for you.

Here is my favorite, and is now the centerpiece in my kitchen/dining/family room. The Mister of the House got really creative and put flecks of mirror in the mix. It shoots out reflections of light that make me happy.

I had to post this fly-by picture because it was taken by my three-year-old Vanilla Wafer. If he ever finds the camera, he runs around and takes pictures of all the important things in his life: trains, buddha baby, more trains....and this beautiful centerpiece created by his dad.

This was originally finished on a table. We decided just to amputate those legs and put it on the wall. It's a beautiful centerpiece for our home.

So here's some basic tips if you want to conquer this project for someone on your Christmas List.

1. If your furniture has a finish, scratch it up real good with sandpaper so that your tile will affix properly. Make sure you sweep off the grains, you want a clean surface to work with.
2. When breaking tile, put it in a pillowcase then whack it with a hammer. This will save you a lot of trouble in picking up shards of tile.
3. The smaller the pieces the longer the project. However, it creates a lot more beautiful detail.
4. Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and ask if there is broken tile they are getting rid of. You can get a lot of free tile that way.
5. Basic tools: Mastic to affix tile to wood, a plastic spade to spread the mastic, and grout to fill in the spaces between the tile.
6. It works best to place all of your tiles in their final position. THEN you pull up each piece individually and slap a little mastic on it to affix it permanently on the table.
7. Babysit the grout as it dries and keep your tiles clean.
8. A finish of polyurethane helps the finished product look clean and have a bit of shine. However, I have found that over the years the poly yellows and comes off in bits. There could possibly be a better finishing option out there now.
9. Keep this in mind for your edge pieces. Either A) use pieces of broken tile that already have a finished edge or B) add another edging alternative like sea grass, wood molding, or something else your creative little brain comes up with.

Thanks for your comments so far about Christmas options. I am still welcoming new and fresh ideas so share the love!

My week of nursing coughs and headaches nearly cost me a great window of opportunity for gifts for kids that are still in the pretend-stage of play. For some kids, it can go on for a while. Rainbow Girl is seven years old and still has a crazy fun imagination. I'm talking the Halloween Clearance Racks. Act now folks, and you could find deals liiiiiiiiiiiiike........THIS!

Huh, you talking to me mom?

Work with me here Vanilla Wafer. Come on! We're pretending to be Christmas Gift Consultants. Focus!

Act now to behold your own little power of Grayskull in action...liiiiiiiike THIS!

K-Mart had this at 90% off and so I spent a mere $1.50. We got 2 of them and so we can sport a duel (Sara, if you're reading this bring Gabe over and we'll beat the crap out of him. It'll be fun!). A lot of the stores are completely cleaned out. Target usually has a lot, but I'm not blessed with that box in my woods. Places like Hastings Video and Book still have some costumes that are 50% off. It's just a matter of time before we can sweep in like vultures and get them when they're 75% or 90% off.

Since Rainbow Girl's dress-ups are overflowing, this is Vanilla Wafer's year to get the goods to be all the things The Mister of the House aspires him to be: a violent sword-wielding growling fighting knight, superhero, or villain. As long as Vanilla Wafer is tough, his dad is pleased.

Mrs. Olsen has got some extra sugar to spread to combat this testosterone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

When I married The Mister of the House nearly a decade ago, I shared the same name as this woman.

• A new car! You didn't?
• Stupid Santa only gave me five games for my X-Box!
• Why did they give me a book when it's already a movie?

then this week's tips are not for you.

For the most part, we can thank M.T.V. and The Disney Channel for unifying budding American Adolescents into a common tribe of obnoxiousness from coast to coast. Take Sara Jane in the backwoods of Tennessee, then add Estabella Grape from Hollywood, awkward eye-rolling ensues. Then insert Hannah Montana into the mix and all of a sudden Sara Jane and Estee-G are grooving in sync.

In my early pre-teen years of Friday Night Sleepovers, before Hannah Montana and multiple cartoon channels, our unifying source came from Friday Night Videos hosted by Casey Kasem. This just worked us up into a lather for the channel dedicated solely to non-stop music video coolness: M.T.V. I remember walking the two blocks home from Lincoln School, when out of the blue me and my buddies would scream “I Want my M.T.V.!!” and then laugh uncontrollably. It was the battle cry of high-schoolers everywhere, and I was happy to repeat their mantra even though I still thought my parents were cool.

By the time I finally entered High School, having been brainwashed by self-absorbed rock ‘n rollers for years, the older generation finally fought back. They pulled out their old copies of Better Homes and Manners and got on the school board to create one of my favorite electives in High School: Poison Personality.

School Board Granny: Tssssk!! It’s not Poison Personality. Mind your manners young lady. And holes in the knees make you look like a Jezebel!


Little Mrs. Olsen: Oh right. Too much music videos, sorry. Poise [pause and await nod of approval] and Personality. Yes?


School Board Granny: Better!

The ironic thing about this conversation I never had with a school board granny is that I would give anything today, as the wise and grown up Mrs. Olsen that I am, to enter into the halls of Middle Schools everywhere and teach those punks a few things about respect….and manners.

My own enrollment in the High School Elective “Poise and Personality” had more to do with easy credit from my neighbor that lived down the street, then “sticking it to The Man”, although my rock-n-roll senses told me it was old-fashioned to say the least. After going to class the first day and realizing that there were NO BOYS in sight, it soon turned into the haven where females could let loose without the worry of flirting, eye-rolling or sounding too smart for their fellow male students.

Core curriculum issues that I learned:

• Always pass the salt and pepper together (even if someone only asks for one)
• And by the way, when they ask for S&P, it’s rude to use them first before passing (unless you ask to do so)
• Never let your soup bowl leave the table, the air slurp reeks of bad breeding
• Speaking of soup, don’t crush crackers in the air and drop them in. You place the whole cracker in the soup, then break with your spoon.
• Walk as if you’re holding a nickel in your rear
• Always apply under-eye concealer with your ring finger (it's the weakest and will pull the skin the least). Apply outside in.
• When tweezing eyebrows, tweeze from the bottom up. Don’t tweeze the top hairs.

Between these core curriculum issues, the class would sit mesmerized with tales of college glory days when Mrs. M met her husband. He was a rugged frat boy, and she was a sorority queen nominated by the frats, and was voted University-Wide as having the best legs.

Years later, well into their married life, they had struggled to have kids. I’ll never forget the baited breath of all the female students, myself included, with eyes affixed on Mrs. M as she described the years of longing for another child, and the continual disappointment of not being able to conceive a child. Then detailing an especially princess date with her husband, followed by a passionate session in the bedroom (that’s about as much detail as we got there darnit) left her perfectly female senses to gloriously exclaim: Honey, we made a baby tonight.

Gasp! Loong silence.

Mrs. M: Nine months later my son was born.
[aaaaaand scene]

RRrRRrriiing! She had timed it perfectly. Bell rings and we go to our next class feeling shocked and empowered at the same time.

Remembering this scene as a married woman years later, I share a dichotomy of emotions. First is gratitude for making me and all my fellow female classmates a part of what is an adult conversation, and part of a circle of sisterhood that we didn’t quite understand. The other part of me, the Mrs. Olsen who is now part of the adult world, is left with the eyebrow curl wondering What was she thinking?! What on earth possessed her to share those intimate details with a bunch of teenage girls!

Speaking of eyebrows, after years of perfectly poised living, I finally threw out the "Only-Tweeze-From-the-Bottom-Up" rule after seeing this unauthorized picture of me. No wonder my High School primping routine included brushing my eyebrows with a hairspray soaked toothbrush. O the distractions of motherhood!

My child has a disturbing attachment to me. I know and appreciate the fact that in ten years I'll be a dweeb to him (is that word still in use?), and so try to absolutely treasure our closeness right now. Here is a picture of the proximity he maintains to me about 75% of the time.

Just because we sport chickens and a big garden does not mean Mrs. Olsen has any idea what she's doing. I had big intentions this year as far as canning, but in the end it appeared to be more a harvest of ideas than actual food. When I went to freeze my corn, it was chewy and hard. When I checked the weather report that told me Sunday was the day of the big frost, I woke up on a Friday to find my nine tomato plants had been violated by an early freeze. My dreams of spaghetti sauce and salsa were smashed.

When you should be beating the long lines at the election polls?

But since you're here, you might as well have some election day fun here. Make sure you click around the site. Oh, lighten up! It's just for fun.

If you're from "Zion" and don't know where your polling location is...then click here.

And no matter who you're voting for, Republican or Democrat, I think we're all united on this one fact: may the new President move into the White House as soon as possible (January inauguration may come too late). It's time for some fresh blood in the Big House.

Happy elections everyone.

So considering the fact that China got on our hotlist when they made toxic toys for children, I was surprised that a certain environmental trend slipped quietly past the hyper-sensitive parent radar screen. Keep in mind that this environmental trend is loved and supported by Mrs. Olsen. Okay....well....like Mrs. Olsen taking her three-year-old to run errands and accidentally walking past the toy aisle and then watching said three-year-old turn into a Gremlin when he can't get Thomas the Tank Engine. I love you my little children (Vanilla Wafer and Fads that save energy and carbon emissions), you've got a lot of love but there has to be a better way.

So while Mrs. Olsen has learned to roll her eyes at well-meaning helicopter moms the world over, there is one thing that definitely hits her mommy radar: mercury.

Consider this: the phrase Mad as a Hatter has origins. "Back in the day" hat makers cured felt with with mercury, and over time, this lethal stuff made them....different. In the head. *sirens* Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

So before this image of Mrs. Olsen's own Vanilla Wafer turns from cute-kid-in-awe at meeting his first professional photographer into....Hello? Anybody Home?

Let's just take a moment and educate ourselves shall we?

Mrs. Olsen proudly presents Rainbow Girl in....

My Groovey Lamp has Energy Saving Bulbs. Yippeee!

Somewhere on the packaging for these is this little blip: "Contains Mercury. Manage according to disposal laws"

Disposal laws? What the heck does that mean?

....Just keep reading and find out.


Awww, shucks. My bulb broke on my carpet!

No worries! Just follow these simple clean-up tips as directed by the invisible disposal laws.

1. Open window to ventilate room

2. Get all pets and loved ones OUT of the room

3. Oh, and make sure you turn OFF the heating or ventilation systems. Just a precaution. You don't want to be circulating this stuff.

4. Keep all living things OUT of the room for at least 15 minutes.

5. Okay, pick up all fragments of the light and place in a glass jar with a metal lid. Go ahead and throw the rag you picked it up with in there as well.

6. If the powder is present, that' a whole other set of problems. Try to pick up as much as you can with some heavy duty tape. You'll want to throw the tape into your glass jar as well.

If you get any powder on your clothing, throw that clothing away. DO NOT WASH in your washing machine, as it will leave permanent contaminents.

7. Now vacuum any remnants you couldn't pick up.

8. You need to also remove the vacuum bag

9. Seal up the vacuum bag in a closed plastic bag. DO NOT put into your household garbage, place in outside receptacle.

10. Try to act like this is normal. Debate your idiotic common sense that tells you that you have a toxic waste situation here.

11. Forget about the fact that this brain-poisoning mercury has an iron-clad protection of very thin and breakable glass.

By the way, these are actual clean-up tips from EnergyStar.gov. I am not exaggerating here, okay (except steps 10 and 11)? What Rainbow Girl did NOT demonstrate was

• how to dispose of burned out light-bulbs
• how to clean up a broken bulb on hard floor surfaces

So check those out as well if you have time. Please.

So before you Helicopter Moms revert your good intentions to save energy and carbon emissions through compact fluorescent light bulbs, please consider that Mrs. Olsen thinks it might be worth the risk. Maybe worth the risk in general, but may not be worth the risk of those with young children with developing brains. Just make sure that you don't put these bulbs in a lamp that a little one can knock over. Just don't ever break one of these guys! Please recycle when possible! Double bag your burned out bulbs before placing them in your outside garbage bins. Also, peruse these other resources:

• Independent consumer study that studied toxic levels for infants living closer to the ground. Their safe cleaning recommendations for a broken bulb on carpet? Cut the contaminated section OUT and throw it away. Scroll down to Broken Bulb Dreams from this link.
• NPR coverage of CFLs "Hitch"
• video link

Over and out!