Here in my neck of the woods I am pretending to be a bit of a farmgirl. But I don't really know what I'm doing. Plus animal poop triggers my gagging reflex. Across the valley there is a Living Historical Farm, where people really do know how to farm...without machines...in petticoats.

Volunteers plow the fields with a horse-drawn spade, and long-skirted women bake stew and bread in the wood stove at the homestead. They put my bread making debacle to shame. A little while ago Rainbow Girl got to sing some Christmas songs at The Farm's Opera House.

When we went inside the Opera House, some old time singers were harmonizing the old Christmas tunes that I couldn't name. There was a gee-tar, violin, and four-part harmony all cozied up with western pine floors and victorian red walls.

This was the queen matron of the group, and she was feelin' it. So was I.

Back then...was life simpler? Sweeter? When you have to work 2 hours for a loaf of bread, do you pull up your petticoats and run whenever there's a gathering at the Opera House, or a barn dance? Did the women bring fresh pies for refreshment? Did pioneer boys try to steal kisses behind the curtain? Did the men still smell like "fertilizer"? Did the women blush when asked to dance?

Hey buddy! What's with the levis? You just ruined my memories of the long-forgotten past. Levis are 20th century. Get back in your homespun!

Oh well, in comes the crop from the 21st century...featuring Rainbow Girl.

If only Justin Hackworth had been there with his camera. Can you guess which shoes belong to Rainbow Girl?

Being a 21st century girl is worth it, but only if you have purple clogs. Thank you Grandma Cozy.

My beautiful little girl has got some pipes. She can carry a tune and...when no one is looking...and there's a song she really likes...and it's high and loud...

...she does the falsetto vibrato thing-ie with her voice. What is that called?

I know I'm being the proud mama here, so forgive me. But I've never been able to do that. And I always wanted to.

If they had waited just a couple of days, these horses would have been pulling a wagon with sleigh-runners...not old-fashioned handcrafted wooden spokes made by the carpenter named...

Heeey, wait a second. What's with the rubber wheels?

Oh well, back to the good life. Come on Rainbow Girl, let's hurry home to some hot cocoa bubbling in under 60 seconds, cooled off with a scoop of frozen cream. From a cow I didn't milk. In a freezer that doesn't need ice. Who would have imagined such things back on the farm!

Merry Christmas

Since I decided to become the miserly matron of the arts, I decided I would save myself some grocery cash by baking my own bread. I have a Bosch thanks to Missus Mrs. Olsen (mom of The Mister of the House) and I also received a wheat grinder from this same wonderful source. Here is a candid shot when Vanilla Wafer stole the camera at his sissy's Christmas Program.

Thank you Missus Mrs. Olsen. You don't have to buy my love with all your pleasantries...but it sure helps solidify your status as patron saint of preparedness, traditions, families, babies, Christmas, and crazy shoes.

So I have hundreds of pounds of wheat and the recipe from the Bread Diva next door. Now all I need is a gullible and naive suspect....

Enter Sara.

Mrs. Olsen (on the phone): Hey Sara, let's have our kids play together and we can make some homemade bread! I have wheat and a grinder....come over!

Sara: Wow, sounds great! I'll be right over!

If Sara was the patron saint of anything, it would be the patron saint of chill. She is peaceful, accommodating, and thoughtful. She is also a fabulous cook. All that stuff makes her the perfect target for carb-inducing shenanigans. We take turns cranking ten cups of wheat kernels for over three hours, and she makes me lunch.

I'm a genius.

I am sooo very delighted to have a hand grinder for those emergencies that are sure to come at some time or the other. But I promise I had noo idea that it would take so long to turn this wheat into flour. No wonder the Little Red Hen asked for help...and no wonder she ate all the stinkin' bread herself when those ingrates blew her off! Thank you Sara.

Six hours later....

Yum.

p.s. my arm still hurts...

Here's the recipe...

Foolproof Wheat Bread

Regular Batch 5-6 loaves (small batch of 3 loaves in parentheses)

6 C. Warm Water (4 C)

1 1/2 TBL salt (1 TBL)

1/2 C. Oil (1/3 C)

1/2 C. Honey or Brown Sugar (1/3 C)

2 TBL dough enhancer (1 1/2 TBL)

3 TBL Saf Yeast (2 TBL)

10 C. Wheat Kernels (7 C.)

Freshly grind wheat into flour. Add water and several cups of freshly ground whole wheat flour to Bosch mixing bowl with dough hook in place. Mix using a few short bursts of the spring-loaded jogging switch (M'). Add the salt, honey, oild dough enhancer and instant yeast and jog briefly. (If the quality of your wheat is suspect try adding 3-4 TBL gluten also).

NOTE from Mrs. Olsen: My Bread Diva neighbor asked me where I got my wheat "Uh, some lady in the classifieds". Since I didn't buy it from the Bosch store like she does, she said to throw the gluten in. You probably should too.

While the Bosch is kneading at speed one, slowly add whole-wheat flour until dough pulls away from the side of the mixing bowl. This normally will take most of the whole-wheat flour you have ground. It is better to add too little flour than too much flour. Allow the Bosch to knead the dough until the gluten in the whole-wheat flour is properly developed. This takes 8 minutes on speed two, OR 12 minutes on speed one. Turn oven to preheat to 150 degrees (Mrs. Olsen again: mine only goes as low as 170 - that's okay so says the Diva because you turn it OFF when the bread goes in to rise).

Shape into loaves and place in pans already greased with an oil spray - Vegalene is recommended.

Sheesh these bread makers are picky. I've never even heard of this stuff. I just used PAM spray but will be on the lookout for this stuff. My last interjection...promise.

Turn the oven OFF. Put the loaves in the warm oven to rise until double in size (this takes approximately 25 minutes). When the loaves are double in size, set oven to 350 degrees and turn it on (leave the loaves in the oven). Bake f0r 25-30 minutes. When loaves are done, immediately remove from pans and let cool on wire rack. (Hint: So pans won't stick, wipe out while hot and don't wash them).

So the secret is out on my brother. He's a cheapskate. Don't worry Clay, you're miserly ways are going to be my guiding star.

You see, me and The Mister of the House have decided to try a little experiment. After reading an article about a family that decided to spend no money for a month (or at least try), then coming across the blog of a coupon queen who kept a strict budget even as a free-wheelin' college student, along with the constant example of my penny-pinching (or at least penny-whining) brother, I've decided to spare myself and family with the constant swipe of the plastic. Credit and debit included.

Hello basic math skills, let's get some practice counting change, adding bills, because we're going green for all of these purchases. CASH ONLY PLEASE:

• Groceries
• Gasoline
• Entertainment

This is my new boyfriend. I go for the ornery distinguished older men...with power. Former President Ulysses S. Grant, will you please make sure I don't live off Top Ramen and get bloated?

Every Monday, I'm withdrawing this bad boy from the bank and hoping he'll make it to Saturday. For all my: groceries, gas, and entertainment.

Oh Andrew, Ulysses was a bore! I had to exchange him for a little fun. Will you promise to stay with me until the end of the week? I'm tickling his chin. He's sort of smiling back, I think he likes it.

This is me on Tuesday after my hour-long primping routine in the morning. I'm already down five bucks after feeding me and the offspring with a five-dollar footlong. Thank you Subway.

Now it's Wednesday, and after being out of milk and bananas (the offspring's staple) I ran to the store. Only 30 bucks left and the local artisan gift market this weekend! Ahhhh!

So I'm still writing checks for my bills, but throughout the coming weeks we'll be analyzing to see if they are really essential, and they might be given the boot. Bills allowed:

• Heat and Utilities
• Power
• Student Loan (still!)
• Insurance
• Cable and Internet (cable?)
• Telephone
• Cell Phone (do we need both a landline and a cell phone?)
• Netflix (Where else can we get Monarch of the Glen and those crazy documentaries we love?)
• Mortgage

Since The Mister of the House works overtime and is out and about being a worker guy, we've thrown him a twenty to cover his lunches and expensive beverage choices (maybe time to switch to water buddy, I mean sweetie-pie).

As a safety net, we'll allow ONE REFUEL of ONE CAR per month, and a possible $100 splurge for Christmas gaps (we've mostly got it done though).

Am I already cheating? I'm scared. Does anyone want to be one of Clay's 'skates with me?

While in High School, I maintained my own circle of friends, had my own hobbies, got into my own trouble, and yet there was a shadow I could never quite fall out of. Besides my graduating peers, anyone older then me generally referred to me as "Clay's little sister". Clay was the Golden Son who played on the varsity team as a sophomore, was the only blue-eyed child of the entire family, and solidified his status as high school heart-throb by shopping for school clothes 100 miles away, over a dreaded winding mountain pass, among the hoity-toity shops in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Clay to offspring: You gonna share those mcnuggets? Get back to the dollar menu!

Clay to offspring: (pause) [shocked stifled laugh peeps from his bewildered face]

For the most part, his secret lays safely hidden due to long-tall Salina (see left).

Dad, if you're reading this, I have not turned a new-leaf from loving mother to online distributor of porn. Promise. Mainly, I wanted to highlight a couple of new blogs that are unique in their offerings and have one thing in common: sex.

Okay, so first! There is a new ad campaign and one of the Olsen Spawn is a founder. This is not the reason I am highlighting it however. Here's a blip and you guess what it's about. It'll be fun.

Fighter? I'm a lover not a fighter. Fighter of what?

Okay, I'll be a fighter.

Fight the New Drug is the up and coming ad campaign to educate families, perverts, and unfulfilled husbands on the dangers and addictions of pornography.

I am excited for this simply because I have two boys who eventually will hit puberty and get an email account with unsolicited naughty invitations (one can only have a hotmail account so long before getting on the perves mass mailing list).

Which brings me to the next blog you should become a fan of. Be One: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Intimacy is self-explanatory in its mission, to use sex to strengthen the marriage. The blog author is an old friend from years back, whose personal insight and sense of service literally leaves throngs of people in her wake hoping to get a free therapy session. She has a gift. Here's an excerpt from the blog, so you know where she's coming from:

Many of you may wonder how and why this subject has struck enough interest in me to start a blog. I mentioned before that this interest is a gift. I believe that. There are so few people out there with respectful knowledge about this topic- especially women- especially, especially LDS women. Where does one turn to learn and grow in knowledge? What if there are days of frustration and stress because of this subject? What if your marriage is suffering or it's causing hidden emotions, or you dislike intimacy all together? What if your situation is good but not GREAT? Where do you seek help? Is it ok to learn more? My interest is for everyone. -BLOG: "Be One" November 30, 2008 post

Husbands to Good-Christian-Women everywhere just found a new best friend.

To follow these or other blogs (Mrs. *cough*sen's blog) then simply log in to your blogger account, and find your dashboard and customize your reading list.

For the first time in my life, I dove into the feeding frenzy that is "Black Friday". Oh my my. I began my excursion with my sister, and proceeded as an observer of a social experiment. How many people really come out to these? Are they normal? Before long, I was no longer scientist but lab rat. You go to toy aisle 5 and I'll grab your game...break!

I really wanted a tighter budget for Christmas this year and the sales really helped lengthen the stride of my dollar. We hit our first store at 4:15 am! I am almost embarassed of that last sentence.

Scenario one 4:45 am: Little Big-Sis is in line to buy 12 pairs of jeans at JCPenney. Ahead of her is Dominatrix. Ahead of Dominatrix is a woman holding her place in line for her daughter/sister/friend/whatever. So when DSFW comes into the line, Dominatrix drops the dreaded F-Bomb and tells her not to butt in.

What do you do? Well, if you are all generally sweet Idahoans (which is where the scene of this crime was) you audibly gasp and then avoid eye contact with Dominatrix. Sheesh! Merry Christmas!

Scenario two 5:10am: Throng of Idahoans at Wal-Mart. Since it's a 24 hour place there's no long lines in the parking lot. Everyone is inside and it's like a Def Leppard concert in the 80's, people jammed together with mulletts everywhere. The employees bring the big doorbusters out, covered up with butcher paper and then they rrrriiip! off the paper and behold the feast of consumer goods. TEN MEGAPIXEL DIGITAL CAMERA FOR $69.99!!!

People are grabbing and shouting "I got one!". Soon employees gingerly start chucking cameras into the crowd. Little Big-Sis has her hands up hoping to make a winning catch. A camera arcs up, out, and skids past the fingertips of...the lady in front of her. Lands straight into sissy's hands and unleashes the anger of the fumbler "Hey, he was throwing that to me!".

What do you do? Well if you are Mrs. Olsen's smart, economical, and number-crunching sister, you do the shoulder shrug with a smile, and say "He was just tossing it into the crowd, sorry". Fumbler huffs and puffs out of there, ticked at my Little Big-Sis.

So there were a few Doorbuster Items that were sold out in the first five minutes. I didn't get everything on my list. I really wanted to BE DONE in the North Pole Department, so when I got home I hit ebay. I found some auctions closing later in the day, and made some small-time offers on them.

Guess what? BLACK FRIDAY is a fabulous day to eBay! Everyone is out shopping! I won some auctions and got some great deals. Wahoo!

NOTE TO SELF AND YOU: Ebay stops being annoying on Black Friday.

Over and out!
Mrs. Olsen

Much to do, to bake, to wash...so I'm sending out an early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I figured since my last video post about farm animals was a little grim, I'd make up for it by posting this little SNL short. Happy Thanksgiving!

[An embedded video from another website was here; it is no longer available.]

The Mister of the House and I have been married nearly a decade. So I'm not sure if the culprit I seek did their deed then, or if it was during some Christmas blur. But to my defense, we have moved approximately seven times since we've been married okay? I know that you quietly think I'm an ingrate. I'm sorry! I'm talking about the crockpot you gave me many years ago. I finally pulled it out of the box.



For visual interest, we threw a Buddha Baby and an apple into the mix. But look at that cute crockpot! It spent years in the back of my cupboards because I kept using my enormous crockery pot instead. Eventually I just forgot about it.

When you move, everything comes out of the woodwork, including old missionary letters, skinny jeans, and your husband's hippie paraphernalia from his former life. Moving is such an emotional chore.



Love that my kid appears to be choking? *Hack!* He's okay I promise, just a regular cough, not a choking cough. Phew.

Herm? Was it you? Monica? Derek? Secret Admirer?

Whoever it was, as a thank you I'm having you over for dinner. Maybe I'll make it in this crockpot, but there are no guarantees. Likely I will make it in the crock, since I just found this crazy lady that uses her crockpot every day! Check it.

I'm talking about the crisp and beautiful one-hundred dollar bill taped to the underside of the lid. I practically ruined it when I made nacho dip for my friends last week! Don't worry though, I saved it from the cheese, and lovingly spent it! Aaah.

Anyway, from the bottom of my heart...what a great gift and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Love,
Mrs. Olsen