If you're female, and married to a feminist, what does that make you?

That makes you Kristen, the little sister of The Mister of the House. For any and all conservative readers out there, I would like to expand you're world a bit by sharing this little revelation: some feminists are....male.

[shudder] whaaaaa. ?

I know you didn't realize that this was possible, but alas, it is true. And Kristen's other half, an Olsen transplant like myself, is a self-proclaimed "hard-core feminist".

As far as I can tell, being married to a feminist means that Marshall (guilty party) likes to make bread, play with his kids, adore his wife, and become sweetly stubborn when he encounters a world that exploits for the sake of power, that furthers injustice for the sake of greed, or that says his kids aren't the cutest mutts on the block.

In Mrs. Olsen's ongoing series called "Here's my family in 8X10 black-and-white snippets sharing a kiss for my future kissing wall" I hereby present Kristen & Marshall:

What makes their love unique? Marshall's muddied the Olsen gene pool with his trim-if-you-dare Grandpa eyebrows. And Kristen is the only person in my generation that, immediately upon marriage, frequently began using the word "dear".

Dear, could you bring me a diaper for Peter?

Let's sit down and watch a "Soldier's Peace" dear, I hear it's an excellent documentary.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot call The Mister of the House "dear", it's so granny to me. And I absolutely adore that this crazy couple frequently uses this moniker. Kristen, if you're reading this: please don't stop.

What else makes their love unique? Kid #1 was conceived in Africa. Kid #2 was conceived in Jerusalem. They have traveled, worked, and served all over the globe, and when they finally came back "home" they took the Olsen Family on a

500-mile journey after Marshall served in the Iraq War. They are passionate about life, their kids, and making the world a better place...for all the people they hold dear to their hearts.

The Week of Love proved inadequate in showcasing my family, their locked lips, and tales from the crypt. So I thought I would throw in a few Lovely Mondays to make up the difference. Having just returned from a weekend at my sister's house, I thought I would share the image of sissy with her husband of sixteen years.


This is the only picture that actually has no kiss--and yet I think it still qualifies for the kissing wall. Tell me if you think I'm right.

I love the false sense of defeat in the sissy's arms. She is obviously being solicited, and isn't quite reconciling the affection, but isn't fighting it either. I can just imagine the dialogue surrounding this captured moment:

Troy: Weeeell, I'm just about to go kill myself a 20-point buck. Can I have a snuggle before I go?

Monica: No.

Troy: Before the hunt, I need to defrost my high-octane nitrous exploder snowmobile from my pa's shop. How 'bout I take one of the kids with me? Would that help?

Monica: Um, you mean like the last time you nearly missed an avalanche and my nine-year old watched some guy get unsuccessfully resusitated and then put in an ambulance? Sounds great sweetie! [insert sarcasm here]

Troy: Ooooh.....you. Come here! I need a snuggle.

Monica: No. I'm mad at you. No pancakes for breakfast for 2 days.

Troy: [gasp] Come on! You know I get the jitters if I have to eat cereal.

Monica: Please stay home today.

Troy: You've already vacuumed three-thousand-square-feet of carpet, fixed kabobs for the kids lunch, knitted 12 hats for orphans, cleaned the bathrooms, and mastered Debussey on the piano. What else have you got going on today?

[begins to invade personal space and places arms around Monica's waist].

Monica: Not much I guess. Just fix dinner for the widow across the street, do three loads of laundry, and then fix 200 servings of berry-topped brownies for the church ladies tonight.

Troy: [leans in closer and begins flirting with his eyebrows].

Monica: Ooooooh-kay. You had me at 20-point buck.

Monica and Troy. What makes their love unique? He works hard and plays hard. Soon after their marriage, my family was trying to understand the psychology behind an Idaho ruffian during hunting season.

{For instance: What makes one purchase a crappy truck, overpriced, with too many miles, and without telling your spouse? That's easy! An Idaho Hunter on the last day of the hunt who has been driving a sedan for the past year.}

But seriously folks, he's forgiven. Why? First of all, he learned his stupid lesson with the truck. Secondly, he can cook a mean Sunday roast, does dishes, plays with the kids, and always...always...is ready to give a snuggle to my amazing sister. And his success as a small-business owner comes from a beautiful tango between with his insurmountable work ethic along with the wizardly-number-crunching skills of Monica. She was working her way up the corporate ladder as a CPA, and leaving co-workers speechless at the speed in which she could perform, audits, tax returns, or memorize complete rolodexes. But she left that life and trudged through 5 difficult pregnancies, and began devoting her business smarts into Troy's electrician business. She stands her ground with her own hobbies to keep her active and smart: like the 2 tennis matches she won over the weekend. The same tennis matches which made for exciting cheerleading and applauding by her number one fan: Troy.

Mrs. Olsen finally gets a kiss...

Since I've been shoving kissing pictures down your throat for a week, ooohing and aaahing about the over-and-over show of love...I finally talked The Mister of the House into kissing me on camera. No matter how much I faded, cropped, or softened, I couldn't completely erase the disturbing quality of this image.

This week Mrs. Olsen got all sorts of love in her inbox, check it...

A couple that bikes together, stays hot together. This could be the only person you will ever meet named Gheen. Here he is with his lovely wife, Beth.


This is the only person I've ever met named London. She lovingly calls her daughter Urchin, and they snuck a kiss in while playing at Disneyland recently.



Back during High School in Idaho, Jennica was always...ruh-neeng. Apparently, being a runner has big payoffs: you can smack on your hubby without your kids getting sicked out.


Nice pics. Just too perfect for me to tweak over to my favorite black and white.


Here's Jenny. I haven't seen her in about ten years, and apparently she's been busy creating adorable offspring since then. Here she is loving on her little cutie.


Here's another of Jenny's offspring trying to steal a kiss from a non-compliant cousin. Loving that mess of chubby kiddie fingers!

See what life is like in the Amazon, where all the women in the family are six feet tall...

When my two brothers married tall, thin, gorgeous, athletic, six-feet-tall Amazon women, then Mrs. Olsen officially became the troll of the family. Whenever we get together for the girls weekend, the sissies-in-law, together with my own blood sister Niki (also six feet tall) generate mall buzz from every trendy male wondering if they all play basketball. The troll (me) and the runt (my littlebig sis Monica) go in for the sales after sending in the Amazon league in for the block.

Where they dazed civilization like giant stunners from the jungle, Mrs. Olsen merely seemed to be raised by monkeys.

Meet Keri. She was the first person to marry into my Apache Avenue clan. She dated my brother when I was a wee girl of eleven or so. The first time he brought her to meet the family, I sat on her lap. Farted. Then licked her forehead.


Oh sorry, you don't speak monkey? Right. So Keri, that actually meant that I thought you were funny, beautiful, smart, witty, and I wanted you to marry my brother. Thanks for taking the time to catch the translation.

Keri? This public humiliation trial is allowing you to heal right? How about the Olsen's? Are you still there? Do you still love me?



Sooo...Derek and Keri. What makes their love unique? He's a tease, but not in a mean way. She's got wit sharper than a two-edged sword. This smalltown Idaho boy stunned the family when he decided to be a doctor. She wowed the planet by working her way up to Chief Financial Officer of the University Hospital, slashing the bro's tuition while earning several digits herself. I mean, I don't know whether to groom the locks for lice or take up note-taking on my clipboard whenever I see Keri. Needless to say, when the bro finished his forever tenure as overworked student, Keri stepped away from the glory and fame of being tall, gorgeous, and corporate and started raising up giant offspring that dominate the basketball court. The brother's adorable goofiness, combined with Keri's wit, makes for the most beautiful duo. And amidst their many talents and experiences, you'll usually find them away from the hoity-toity board rooms and running to the next game of their kids.


Mrs. Olsen has to add, that when I finally got this picture, and started doing a little cropping and tinting on Picasa, I was smiling the entire time. Just look at my brother's smile! I can hear his weird laugh just looking at it. I'm so excited to have this picture on my kissing wall, because I know it will cure the blues on a bad day.

Thursday's kiss comes all the way back from 1981...

Behold the woman that gave me life. Here she is blowing me (and you) a kiss in 2 pictures, each twenty-six years apart!

Yes mother, I practiced the piano.

Blah. I'm needing some kissing pictures to fill me with happiness because today has been an off day.

Missed my first ever invitation for an all-female all-fun book club (call me next time!)and have a toddler who can't seem to pass this little infant guy without knocking him down on purpose, then smothering him with kisses. Cute and annoying all at the same time. Let's make out and fuh-get about it shall we?

• Christmas 2004. Stop and think about Christmas 2004.....do you remember the insane natural disaster that happened?

I'm still waiting.

Okay, so that was the year of "the" tsunami that pummelled Thailand, Indonesia, and Sumatra killing hundreds of thousands of people.

Soooo. Holly and Adam: They're in Thailand. Working the globe. Hoping for offspring. Surprised that it works. Expecting in summer. Missing the family. Came home for Christmas. Surprise!Surprise! Canceled their plans to stay at the beach. In Phuket. Where 100 foot waves hit on December two-six. The Olsens all say: That baby is a miracle in more ways than one.

That picture was during that time. A kiss is quite appropriate don't you think?

Here's another kiss, 4 years and 2 kids later...

What makes their love unique? Well, these guys are the only married couple I've had as roommates since becoming Mrs. Olsen and I'll tell you what. I don't think they have ever been in a fight. It kindof ticks me off. They're even smiling in this picture with their lips pressed up against each other. Would you get over yourselves already? If anything, they are the couple that embodies peace. When they come together, you can feel them enjoying a tall glass of water. In each other.

We're having a celebration of love this week, as manifested through the lips. Yo people. Email me your kissing pictures to mrsolsenipresume[at]gmail[dot]com so I can feel the love this week. If you show me enough of the good stuff, I just might post my awkward desperate love poetry from my high school notebook. It'll be fun!

In the meantime, I have a tip for the masses of point-and-shoot photographers who drool with envy when they see real pictures taken with expensive cameras. It's called Picasa 3, and I'm getting my full cheese on by turning my pics into black and white, graining them out, and then highlighting cheesy little hearts in full color. If you always wanted to learn how to Photoshop, but never had the time or money...trust me...Picasa is a great tide-me-over. I turned this:



Into this:

I'm not going into business or anything, but you have to admit that it's an improvement. I even gave them a love glow. Are you feeling it? I'm appreciating the long lines stretching shoulder to toe on Jackson, dipping his bride of less than two years.

Jackson and Celeste. What makes their love unique? They rock the glasses with style. Give Sandra Bullock glasses, and she's the ugly duckling in Love Potion #9. Give Jackson and Celeste glasses, and they work it like Sarah Palin (but in a better way). I'm also positive I could have found a dozen pictures of them lip-locked just by stalking their facebook page, they are just full of life and passion like that.

Because they seem to embody the newlywed kiss, I had to share this photo of my sister Niki and her Justin-Timberlake-look-alike-husband, Jared. I added the cheesy by doing a soft focus on everything except the lovely wedding band, all on Picasa.

Thank you! I'm here all week. Here's the crap they gave me to work with:




okay so I took it. I gave myself the crap to work with. But they posed themselves on a perfectly washed out day on the coast of Maine. See how Picasa is my friend?

Of course a full lip-lock is not required to make it on the kissing wall. Here's the sis pretending to be coy with her man:

This one is full on cheesy. Timberlake's obviously been out clubbing with hootchie mama's because his lip curl is totally fake. And the sissy's eyeroll is neutralized by a lip about to turn up. I guuuesssss.... that means that they're really in love! So maybe that's a good thing.

Jared and Niki. What makes their love unique? They somehow embody full on intelligence on a nerdy level but still are cool. Not many people can do that. I can't look at this picture without picturing Jared going slack-jawed and hamming it up like Homestar Runner, then wondering in awe if that's the same guy that's getting screaming A's at his medical residency at Harvard. And the sis is the same way. She started a cold-calling salesman job all by herself, then sold it a year later for more than an SUV with all the upgrades. Smart. Charismatic. And yet, they can rock it in the grown-up world but come home to karaoke, wrestling, and bad Space Ghost impersonations together at the end of the day.